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Of Thought and Rhyme

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Living alone

My space. Or the lack of it.

She travelled a 1000 kilometers to help me move out. Leaving her family, her husband and her home behind.

I should be grateful to her. But I’m just irritated.

My home, my things. My space, my life. It’s all out there in open for her to see.

She opens the windows of my room to let fresh air come in. It irritates me.

She switches on the light and switches off the fan. It irritates me.

She fiddles with my clothes. It irritates me.

She sits on my bed and the bedsheet crumples. It irritates me.

She sees the soup and noodles packets in my kitchen. She sees the untouched dry fruits she sent last summer. She questions me about them. It irritates me.

She wants to go shopping for sarees. Not just for herself, but for me too. She talks about my marriage. It irritates me.

And it has been less than 10 hours of togetherness. The next three days are gonna be tough. I never knew my own mother would irritate me so much. And she is only helping me. Meh. I should just die of ungratefulness.

The year ending tag!

Scribble tagged me. Here it goes:

 

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Started living on my own. In a city which can be best described as a jungle. All by myself. Started earning. And spending. Recklessly. Yeah, that’s what I’d never done before.

 

2. Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t believe in resolutions. Yes, that translates as I am a very indecisive, impulsive and non-planning sort of a person. So?

 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Ummm, if a cousin-who-once-was-very-close counts, then yes.

 

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully no.

 

5. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I believe in moments, not dates. Yeahhhh, cheesy, right? But true story.

 

6. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Achievement. Hmmm. I dunno. I’ll let it pass. No mention-worthy achievements.

 

7. What was your biggest failure?

None. I didn’t fail.

 

8. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh yes! Talk about it. Got hospitalised twice. Some stupid throat infection gone bad. And then food poisoning.
Also, got my wisdom tooth removed. Oh, what pain.

 

9. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

Abeyaar. What kind of question is this? Okay. Mine. Now let’s begin them celebrations.

 

10. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

No one’s. And no, I’m not just evading these questions. It’s just that for a year-ending tag, the weight is a little too much. And no one fits the bill.

 

11. Where did most of your money go?

Ah. Travel. Home-making. Shoes. Food. And EMIs.

 

12. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Setting up my own house. Yeah, I’m uncool and old-fashioned like that.

 

13. What songs will always remind you of 2010?

As I Am (Dream Theater)
Buffalo Soldier (Bob Marley)
Riders On The Storm (The Doors)
Everyday I Love You Less and Less (Kaiser Chiefs)
Zara Nazar Utha Ke Dekho (Silk Route)
Aankhon Ke Sagar (Coke Studio)
Ankhiyon Nu Chain Naa Aave (Nusrat)

 

14. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?

Happier. Most definitely.

 

15. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Reading. Writing. Sketching.

 

16. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Wasting money. Thinking. Caring.

 

17. How will you be spending Christmas?

Err, past tense. Past tense. I spent it splendidly. That will be it. Go figure.

 

18. Did you fall in love in 2010?

Define love.

 

19.How many one night stands?

None.

 

20. What was your favourite TV programmes?

None.

 

21. What was the best book you read?

Truth or Dare.

 

22. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The entire discography of Dream Theater.

 

23. What did you want and get?

My independence.

 

24. What did you want and not get?

That’s now my wish for the next year. So will not jinx it by disclosing it here.

 

25. What was your favourite film that you saw this year?

The Painted Veil.

 

26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Was at work the whole day. Went out with friends for dinner. That’s it. And, I turned 23.

 

27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A Microwave Oven in my kitchen. For baking those cookies. Yes, I want no more.

 

28. What kept you sane?

Conversations. Yes, mostly them.

 

29. Who was the worst new person you met?

Not worth mentioning here. Good riddance has happened.

 

30. Who was the best new person you met?

Oh, this was a year of meeting some really good people (by really, I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y!). Cannot name just one. But, if I HAVE to take names, then Boss, 2 of the 3 fireflies (cannot wait to meet the third one!), Overgrown Kid, and Captain Awesome top the list (in order of appearance!)

 

31. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Stand by what you are. People are, because you are. Others are not above you. (Still in the process of implementing though!)

 

32. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

People are strange when you’re a stranger
Faces look ugly when you’re alone
Women seem wicked when you’re unwanted
Streets are uneven when you’re down

When you’re strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you’re strange
No one remembers your name
When you’re strange

***

So, yeah. All in all, a year well spent.
And I tag everyone who’d want to take it up.

 

Meh.

Don’t be surprised at the title. This is how I feel, right about now. You ask me why? Well, I don’t know.

Or may be I do. If I try to explore, there is no reason that the reason should not come out in open. So, let me try and figure it out, by thinking aloud.

The day started, oh well, I didn’t sleep at all, so, let’s try it again. I was quite happy in the morning. Unusually cheerful. The laptop which refused to work since the last few weeks, suddenly decided to play a sport. So, more cheerfulness.

I also found some kiddie pictures of mine, and since twitter-junta was going crazy about them, I also put one up. Made me happier still. Also, I think I fell in love with myself all over again just then.

The nostalgia brought about by those pictures took me back to my books. I raided the shelf and settled on Yeats, Ezekiel, Tennyson and Eliot to relive the past. And it was all downhill from there. As I was reading those stanzas, the past memories started coming back, and how. Funnily enough, all of the returning memories were those sad ones, none of them which could make me happy. It all came rushing back – the gloomy days, the pain, the fight and then some.

Looking for distraction, I took refuge in some music. And as if on cue, Counting Crows was chosen. The utter sadness and depression of the band seemed to seep deep down my insides, and I found myself choking to the point of breathlessness. Sounds exaggerated, but what I went through at the time, no words could ever do justice in explaining.

I tried to sleep. But it was as if Mr. Sandman had also shaken hands with the conspirator of my brain, and I was left restless as ever, all my efforts to calm myself down in vain. Looking for yet another distraction, I stumbled upon a blog. Now being a sucker for those personal ramblings that I am, I was hooked to it in no time. The fact that it was written in a beautifully engaging and frank manner, coupled with my recent interactions with the author compelled me to read it through. The posts spoke straight to the heart, and I could almost feel as if the stories were being narrated to me by the author sitting right across me. It was a cathartic experience, and I felt strangely involved. It was getting creepy, and I gave up.

It gave me a surreal kind of feeling. Head was reeling. Suddenly, it all culminated into an anxiety attack. Too much thinking had happened, and probably it was a sign for me to take a break, and go back to the mundane.

Pending laundry and unwashed dishes called out to me, and I decided to finally pay a heed. But the two things in the entire set of to-dos which never let me down when it comes to distracting myself, failed me this time.

I just feel a numbing sadness right now. Nothing else.

Also, meh.

Of those dreaded encounters

You’ve gained so much weight since I saw you last!

Howcome your complexion has gone a shade darker?

Your butt has become prominent.

Face pe kitne daane ho gayein hain.

Why isn’t your collarbone visible anymore? It used to look so good.

Why are you living alone?

Khaana bhi khud hi pakaati ho?

Bore nahi ho jaati?

Aren’t you leading a meaningless life? What’s all the money and career worth, if you are not with family?

When are you returning here for good?

Shaadi kab kar rahi ho?

Koi mil gaya hai kya?

When are you introducing him to the family?

Let me know if you need any help with pataoing the parents.

Why don’t you look for a job in/around Delhi, again?

***

Welcome home, Neha.

 

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