almost 40 days into the new(?) year, and i have not written anything at all. shameful, i know. i can go on about how a *lot*  has been happening, and i do not have time, but that will sound like just another excuse. in fact, the truth is, i am afraid to pen down most of the stuff. i do not really know what is the fear, but writing things down doesn’t seem to be the best of ideas. just because i was told to confront myself and write things down, am i writing this post. no agenda, nothing, just plain writing, don’t know about what.

oh, i saw this dress somewhere on the web today, and i fell in love with it. it has everything that i want, in a dress, in people, and in life. colour that pleases the eye, silhouette that exudes warmth, fabric that is comfortable and playful, shape that fits yet doesn’t choke, and so much more. funnily enough, i don’t want to own this dress. it is just an object of desire admiration, and i am happy to let it be just that.

but sadly, this analogy doesn’t work in other areas of my life. i happened to read somewhere

i’m not used to normal. i’m used to disasters.

and this seems to be the story of my life. not that i am complaining. makes life more fun and exciting to live, all these disasters. also, it’s not just me, who has to struggle to get my way out, right? hundreds millions of people are giving me company, albeit the nature of struggle might differ. but still, the thought doesn’t wipe out the pain. sometimes, i just wish i never ever had to make any decisions in life, and things would just happen on their own, as per my wish. yeah, you are allowed to snigger here. because i know that neither does it work like that, nor it ever will. but a girl is allowed her whims and fancies, yes? oh well.

if i had to look at my life objectively now, i’d have to take special time out to thank my stars for letting me have a life that i have, despite in spite of the circumstances that i had. but i am not an outsider analysing my life. i am me, winning those little fights and aiming for the bigger ones to be fought. modesty is not my virtue, and i can say that with utmost pride that i have succeeded in getting a life which i imagined for myself. with a few minor alterations here and there. and i am constantly working towards living it up too. but lately, i am developing a crazy fear that it’s it. i’ve had all that i wanted, and the next set of wants will not be granted. the more i think about it, the more it upsets me. not just me, i am upsetting a lot of other people too, in the process of giving way to my excessive negative thinking. but i cannot help it. i cannot distract myself from the thought.

i am scared. scared of hurting the people who matter. scared of being selfish. scared of taking the wrong decisions. scared of thinking. scared of wanting. scared of not being able to sleep out of fear. scared of waking up to the same situation. scared of everything. literally.

phew! i think i need a tranquillizer. don’t you think so?

p.s. – notice how the entire post has been written minus caps lock. yes, it took a hell lot of effort to keep it off. if the current state of mind is anything to go by, not just the first characters and nouns, the whole post would have been typed in capital letters. *sigh*