**This post was written about two years ago. Found it stashed somewhere, and this stands true for what I feel today. Hence, posting it.**
It’s just a realisation that keeps reinforcing itself time and again. I just felt the need to pen it down to make the effect less harmful. Everytime I think of it, it gives me jitters. The thoughts of being selfish, self-righteous and indulgent make my life hell, and i start rotting. But is it really so? Can a person not live her life for herself? Is it necessary, or say, required of one to be caught up in all things social without being alone? Ok, agreed that I love living life on my own terms. So? Is it bad? And even if it is, who is to decide that? I just sometimes wish that there were some authorities sitting right up there who could tell us lesser mortals what is right and what is wrong. I am not saying that I would love that dictatorship, but it will be anyday better than this subjectivity that we abuse so much.Come to think of it, just because there is no one to judge what is right or wrong, we keep on doing what we want to, or we see others’ action as such. But, where to draw a line? Now, it is a random thought, but I need to find answers to my questions. For me to decide the appropriateness of what I am doing, it is a difficult task. And I am highly incapable of doing that. Now, one may ask that why on earth would I want my actions to be evaluated. The answer is not so simple, but still I will attempt to find one. It is because I am all alone, and tomorrow, I might have to be answerable to a higher one.
It is because I need strength to do that thing when I do it.
It is because I am insecure and need acceptance for my actions.
It is because the things I am talking about affect my life, and I need to be sure that all this is correct.
It is because I am fighting against something, and I have nothing to back upon.
It is because… OK, thats enough I guess, but the bottomline still remains that who will decide for me. I think this post is not so much an appeal to find an answer, but to rant and rave. I feel so light now. There are things that are keeping me depressed, and there are things that I can’t even begin to talk about, but these are the things that give direction and meaning to my life. This is a tought ime and I have to fight it all. But, again, I need reassurance, and I need support…