It’s not about him. It’s about me.
And the moment I realized that, I owned the pain. Like my own. Guarding it fiercely from the world.
“You protested when I said that the purpose of life is to be happy. YOU wanted to experience the plethora of emotions, ranging from longing to ecstasy to sadness to deadness. So, here you are.”
“In life, there are some things which you cannot understand. So, you shouldn’t even try to. Just think that you were to go through this.”
“You will never know his reasons. Only your reactions. Manage them well.”
“You would have kept looking for a sign, and there would be none. Because sometimes, things just happen. And you are not supposed to know why or how. You are just supposed to live through it.”
“Know that you did the right thing. And rest, you don’t anyway have a control over.”
“What he did was his Karma. How you take it is yours.”
“Don’t beat yourself up for giving love a chance.”
So the birthday month is here again. The last year has been a roller-coaster ride, with many events helping me become a stronger person than I was earlier. Five of them which had the most impact on me are listed below, in chronological order:
- Getting back with an ex. Always a great idea. Reassures you of the decision-taking ability. And leaves no scope of regrets and what-ifs. If it had to work out, it would have worked out in the first go. But good to be sure. No hang-ups or remorse that “oh, maybe I didn’t try enough!”. Also, a wonderful reminder of what you don’t want in your life!
- Playing a bridesmaid. From sneaking the groom in the bride’s room before the ceremonies to playing the gatekeeper; from taking care of bride’s outfits to holding her hands while mehendi is being applied; from feeding the bride to dancing non-stop; from distinguishing the buas from the chachis to demanding shagun from the groom; from weeping inadvertently at the bidaai to making sure bride’s mum doesn’t shed many tears – it’s all just so much fun. And the fact that you can’t feel your legs at the end of it only makes you appreciate the hard work that went in making of the fun.
- Losing a loved one. Jimmy taught me to love. Before he came into my life, I hadn’t experienced the pure emotion of affection for a nobody. He arrived, and things changed. He would sleep beside me, wake me up with his soft nudges, motivate me to be fit by demanding a brisk walk every morning, eat from my hands, wait outside the washroom lest I disappear, hug me silly on my return from classes, ride on my Activa with me, cry when my bags were being packed, stop eating when I was away, wait in the balcony when he knew my visit was due, spread his silky hair all over my wardrobe and be characteristically himself. But he gave in to a fatal lung infection, and we had to put him down. I will always remember him as my green-eyed lover boy, teaching me to be generous and selfless in giving love and affection.
- Facing death. And having the narrowest escape. Enough has been said about it, won’t repeat it here. But undoubtedly, the most scary, scarring and life-changing experience I’ve had till date.
- Moving back in with parents. After almost six years of being on my own. Too early to comment on it, as I’m still coming to terms with it. But can very easily say, it’s difficult. Too damn difficult to cohabit with folks, when you’re used to a resounding solitude.
In the middle of a rant-y, cranky and generally pissed off mood, I got this note from the universe:
Behind your greatest fear, Neha, lies your greatest gift.
And your greatest gift will be the example you become.
And I have been smiling now. :) Thank you, Universe!
So today morning, I got a call from a friend who manages a big brand.
He wanted to invite me for his brand-sponsored invite-only party, happening soon in Bombay. And then he told me more about the party, and brought up that they were inviting a lot of ‘Twitter Influencers’ too. He took some names, and my smile turned to a chuckle to a hearty laugh on hearing the names. So many names on my TL were spoken about as ‘the list given by our agency’. Then he asked me the inevitable, “Howcome your name doesn’t feature on this Influencers’ list?”
It was all so amusing for me, forcing me to think how half of my timeline has made it a part-time career for themselves. So much so, that being active on twitter brings with it an assumption that it is the sole reason for one to be there – to be a Twitter Influencer.
Aankhein dekhi toh main dekhta reh gaya
Jaam do aur dono hi do aatisha
Aankhein yaa maykade ke woh do baab hain
Aakhein inko kahoon yaa kahoon khwaab hain
Aankhein neechi hui toh hayaa ban gayi
Aakhein oonchi hui toh dua ban gayi
Aankhein uth kar jhuki toh adaa ban gayi
Aankhein jhuk kar uthi toh khata ban gayi
Aankhein jinmein hain quaid aasman-o-zameen
Nargasi nargasi… Surmayi surmayi…
- Afreen Afreen (Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan)
…When human beings disappoint you.
When you realise that your life is yours and yours alone.
When you promise to yourself never to expect people to be ‘there’ for you. If they do, that’d be a bonus.
When you appreciate the genuine concern and care some people have for you.
When you stand up for yourself without letting someone else run over you.
When you snap out of the doormat mindset.
And oh, when a dog that you’ve never ever met before stops mid-walk much to the chagrin of his companion walker, on seeing on you on the road and insists that you spend time with him.
#CLT: Pyaar Hua Chupke Se
Was talking to a friend about relationships. There was nothing new that was said, but these things struck:
You might like someone who knows exactly who you are and what you think, but you might love someone who’s the polar opposite.
You don’t look for them or find them, they happen.